Open for Bids
By Nikki Pelezo / Dirt Roads
My aunt Imogene, just this minute, left to go home after five of the most God-awful days of my life. I know each and every one of you would love to have an adventure and a warm feeling of helping a fellow out (me). Next Christmas you can, if you bid right, have an adventure of this magnitude of your very own.
Open for your bidding pleasure is a five day visit, from my aunt Imogene, for Christmas 2012. To the winner, these few rules will give you a good start so you can plan on the adventure of a lifetime.
#1. During the upcoming year, you must find little treasures that will titillate Aunt Imogene. Belleek. Spode, Limoges, Sves and Waterford will please her to no end. Pure gold over sterling silver, diamonds over rhinestones, Channel #5 over Musk are some good guidelines.
#2. She is unable to cook, but be prepared to have Aunt Imogene tell you how she would have prepared the turkey, dressing and canned cranberry sauce. Also, be prepared for her to eat you out of house and home. She’ll scarf down anything on a serving platter. Do not, I repeat, do not expect her to take your sorry butt out to a restaurant, her treat. This will not happen in your lifetime.
#3. It would be a good idea if you don’t offer her a choice of booze to add to her many cups of eggnog. Chevis Regal is her all time favorite liquor and she will not BHOB (bring her own bottle). We have learned to add the $9.99 bottle of whiskey to the Chevis Regal bottle, and she doesn’t seem to know the difference.
#4. Her Christmas gift to you will be a magazine subscription to a magazine of HER choice. This year she gave us a one year subscription to Catholic Digest and my husband and I are Methodists.
#5. She is also the queen of “re-gifting”, so don’t be surprised to receive a box of stationary embossed with the letter ‘I‘. Also, don’t be upset when opening up that popular “As seen on T.V.” item with a card hidden inside from her “Secret Pal”.
#6. Games are taboo. She will outright lie about not knowing how to play Scrabble. So, this frail (yeah, right) 86 year old woman’s first ever game of Scrabble (yeah, right) she managed to log 414 points with words like oxo, suq, buzzard and zaxes all on the triple word space.
#7. On the day after Christmas when she asks to be taken to the highest priced department store in all of America, be prepared to tote her coat, gloves, hat, muffler and drizzle boots. She will not actually buy anything, but will let you know her “want” list.
#8. When she over eats your homemade turkey gumbo and develops her world famous spastic colon, do not, I repeat, do not stop giving her PeptoBismal. Her condition can and will give you another five days of her wonderful company.
#9. When she departs for home, you will have to take her to a truck stop and pump her gas. Why a truck stop? It’s close to the freeway and always a couple of pennies cheaper, which she might or might not pay for.
So, when you and your spouse are in the truck stop parking lot and see her taillights go up the on ramp to the freeway, the feeling of pure joy will be the highlight of your life as you know it. Feelings like these are priceless, so be sure to bid and bid HIGH!